doing too much

The Path to Healthy

How to move forward when you feel stuck in dysfunction

My youngest daughter hates wearing jackets. Getting her to put one on is always a struggle. On the other hand, she loves playing with dolls and tiny figurines. These two things collided recently when the sleeves of her coat got stuck around her hands that were each holding toy dolls. She couldn’t get the jacket off, which made her upset, and she also could no longer play with her toys, which made her even more upset.

Here’s the problem: she would not let me take the toys out of her hands so the jacket that was keeping her from playing with her toys could be removed. As long as she was not willing to let go of the toys, she could never really be free to play with them.

My daughter’s conundrum with her toys and jacket is how we can be in many areas. It is also an accurate way to describe codependent relationships and unhealthy environments. We feel stuck, but we can’t get out, because there are things we don’t want to be removed from our hands.

If we want to move forward on the path to healthy then there are things we have to let go of first. What are you holding on to that is keeping you in a relationship or position that you know is not the best for you? Usually, the thing we think we are going to lose by letting go is the very thing we are sacrificing by holding on.

Three Options

Letting go is scary. That is why so many people choose a different response. We shouldn’t be a turtle that hides-a-way in our shells and hopes the problem goes away. Avoiding an issue never solves it, and it almost never gets better on its own. Action must be taken, but it has to be the right action.

We also shouldn’t take on the role of crusader and cut down everyone in sight with the sword of truth. It is in this situation that we must be sensitive to building up the Kingdom and not tearing it down. While steps should be taken, they should be done through the lens of humility. This is the only way to guard our hearts and protect those we want to help without responding out of offense or hurt.

The third option is to be a responsible spiritual leader who puts your own health and that of your family (or future family), ahead of your pride, position, influence, and ambitions.

A Biblical Solution

Think about what David did when he left Saul. He didn’t raise an army and split the kingdom. David didn’t harass the king and the people with reports of his mistreatment. Instead, he moved on and allowed God to settle the matter in His own time. It was many years before David was elevated from the time he was mistreated. It took even longer than that if you consider his journey to becoming king from the time he was anointed. The wilderness seasons of his life that caused him to wrestle with God and his soul allowed him to become the great leader he was.

If you find yourself in an unhealthy situation, then the odds are you have become unhealthy in at least some small way yourself, and are probably unaware. That is why, instead of putting your hope in man, you must put your confidence in Christ. That may sound a little cliche, but let me help make this practical. Instead of pointing your finger at others, be willing to expose yourself – to the right influences. You should ultimately find your value in who you are in Christ and not a title or position.

Most of what I have had to say revolves around taking responsibility yourself, and allowing God to handle the dysfunction in others. This may not be what you hoped I would advise, but I promise you this is the best way to protect yourself, the people in your circle of influence, and leave the door open for reconciliation. I am convinced reconciliation is much more of a priority to God than we realize.

Reclaiming spiritual health after experiencing dysfunction in a church or ministry can be tough. With God’s help, and if we are willing to do some soul gardening of our own, then an enjoyable, meaningful Christian experience is possible.

This is my final post in this collection. You can read the entire group of blogs by selecting the “Soul Gardening” category.

How to Make Assumptions and Ruin Your Relationships

What to do if your ministry leaders are driving your crazy.

Have you ever adopted the philosophy, “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness then it is to ask for permission?”

When we become convinced we are not going to get the answer we are looking for, it can become easy to attempt to avoid the unavoidable. I did this over and over as a kid. If I didn’t want to risk, because I already knew what my parents were going to say, I would just venture out on my own without them. Of course, memorable consequences were always the result.

There have been times when I have brought this mindset into adulthood. Maybe you have as well. These situations seem to happen frequently when a transition is a possibility in a church role.

Avoiding the Unavoidable

We delay, until it is too late, or avoid, while the issue only grows because we assume we know how our leaders will respond. We try to be faithful to people who are secretly driving us crazy, and somehow believe this is what God would want us to do.

When we do this, we rob the other person of the opportunity to redeem the situation. We short circuit the possibility of reconciliation. When we have an issue with a friend or leader but are unwilling to address it, we become un-Christlike. Jesus addressed the problem with us head-on. He dove into our mess and created a masterpiece. Jesus is not an avoider, and neither should you be.

“Assumption is life’s lowest level of knowledge.”
— Edwin Louis Cole

It is best not to assume, but if you do, assume the best. You need to be willing to hear people out on issues that concern you, and not just think they are aware of what is making you so unhappy. Isn’t that what you would like others to do for you?

Judge and Jury

Have you become the judge, jury, and executioner for your leadership, or are you willing to hear them out? Have you argued your case in front of so many other people, that you are convinced your leadership is the enemy no matter what? Or have you brought the situation to God in prayer and can now bring up your issues with the right heart?

Bringing criticisms to others puts us so far out on a limb that we can’t come back even in the small chance (tongue in cheek here) that we may be wrong. On the other hand, bringing concerns to God in prayer prepares our hearts to bring up issues with humility and a heavenly perspective.

If you do feel like you are stuck in an unhealthy church situation, then you need to be willing to talk to someone in leadership about your specific concerns. To hear someone out, you must approach, even something that has genuinely upset you, with humility. If you walk into a room and say, “Why are you a terrible leader that is so committed to ruining the lives of others?” Then you are probably not genuinely giving that person a chance to be heard. If something specific is bothering you, then you need to be willing to bring it up to someone in leadership, or you do not need to bring it up at all.

Still, this does not solve every situation. That is why I want to talk about “the path to healthy” in my next post.

How to Spot Dysfunction

The Hard Reality of an Unhealthy Church Culture

By: Josh Roberie

Falling for Autumn

What season has your favorite weather? For me, it is Fall; hands down. Maybe if I had better abs, I would enjoy pool weather more. But as of now, I and my potbelly LOVE the feel and smell of cool crisp Autumn air.

The leaves are falling in Birmingham, and I could not be happier. My oldest daughter loves to collect these firey snowflakes. As she was showing me the best of her picks yesterday, I noticed each had dazzling color, as well as brown spots, and bits where bugs had chewed through their delicate wings.

If we are honest, it is the same with our hearts. Every soul has its bright spots as well as scars from disappointments, brown spots from being burned by a relationship, and even areas where life has eaten through our hopes. If this is true for each person, then it is also true for where people gather in deep relationships, like church.

The Real Danger

It can be hard to know what to do when the hard realities of an unhealthy church culture or ministry leader impact our lives. We can start, though, by being honest with ourselves, before we focus on what others can do better. There is a scripture in Psalms that has helped me get perspective on this:

“Its walls are patrolled day and night against invaders, but the real danger is wickedness within the city.”
Psalm 55:10

One of the keys to surviving a dysfunctional church culture or leader is not being able to identify what is unhealthy in someone else, but the ability to be honest with yourself.

Like Psalm 55:10 says, it can be easy to focus on problems outside of the city while ignoring the threat within the walls of our own hearts. In other words, it’s easy to point out what others are doing wrong instead of taking responsibility for what is wrong inside of us. Successfully navigating these turbulent waters of the souls takes a level of self-evaluation, many are not willing to accept.

A Difficult Question

I have had many conversations with church members and leaders who say their pastor or church culture is toxic or unhealthy in some way. If you are in a similar situation, then let me ask you a difficult question others and have asked me. It is a consideration that is essential for everyone in the process of reclaiming spiritual health after experiencing dysfunction.

Can you be honest about what attracted you to a place that is unhealthy? Are you able to come to terms with what is keeping you there even though you know it is not the best place for you? If you do not first identify what is going on in your heart, then even if you are in an environment you need to leave, you will find yourself in similar circumstances in the future.

That’s a tough one, but it is vital to moving forward in a healthy way. I can often tell how ready someone is to forgive and begin writing a new future for their story by how they are able to process this “honesty principle.”

Soul Medicine

Blaming others will never lead to growth in your life. While there may be people who are not doing the right thing, you always have a choice to take responsibility for yourself or blame others. Complaining and criticizing without adjusting on our end only covers up in pain and unhealth in ourselves. It doesn’t do anything to resolve the real issue. Unhealthy people blame others for their dissatisfaction in life. Healthy people take responsibility for the change they need.

If you have been hurt, you may not be able to tackle this issue right away. But doesn’t most medicine taste a little sour at first? To truly get healthy, we should be willing to take the medicine we may not like at first but will bring about the desired result in the end. We have to face the dysfunction in ourselves, so the unhealthy habits and perspectives we have developed in an unhealthy environment do not continue and impact ourselves and others down the road.

What do you think? I’d love to hear from you about this! Please leave a comment on Facebook, Instagram, or this post.

Further Reading on this topic:

Church Culture Shift

Changing the Atmosphere of Our Faith

*I have previously posted two blogs and making a church culture shift. They have been so popular that I decided to edit them down and combine them into one post. I hope this makes it easier for everyone to get the full story in one post. Thanks for reading!

Sweet or Salty

Do you have a sweet tooth, or are you more of a salty snack person? I’m definitely in the sweet tooth category. My love for sugar was something my college roommate couldn’t help but notice. One day, he opened the pantry and asked, “How can you eat all of this junk?”

“What do you mean?” I replied with a spoonful of Blue Bell ice cream in my mouth.

“Everything in here is full of sugar. None of this stuff is healthy for you.”

I went to the pantry door and looked in. Zebra cakes, mini chocolate bars, bags of chips, and other highly processed sugary foods stared back at me.

A light went off for me at that moment. Believe it or not, I thought I was eating healthy. This may sound surprising, but it is because of the standard I was comparing myself to. My diet was much healthier than what was typically on our family menu at home. But compared to my friend’s family, which includes multiple diabetics, these sugar snacks were foreign objects.

This situation showed me something significant about perspectives. I had moved out of my family home, but that culture was still influencing my point of view. Was it possible this was happening in other areas of my life as well? Maybe, in more ways than one, I didn’t just need to get out of some of my old environments but also needed to get their influence out of me.

The Soil of Our Souls

It is the same with our religious perspectives and church cultures. Our church cultures are the atmospheres of our faith, the soil where our souls are planted. Leading in an unsustainable way, or being rooted in a sick culture, does not wear you out immediately. But over time, the burnout and high turnover reveal that a change needs to be made.

Often, culture influences our decisions and behaviors without us being aware. This can make it challenging to find a healthy rhythm for our lives after experiencing dysfunction of some kind. How do we make a change when we realize we need to change the atmosphere of our faith?

Five Steps To A Healthy Church Experience

I want to suggest a five-step plan for those in need of a church culture detox. This should be helpful even if your environment is not bad, but you are just looking for a new way of doing church life.

Step 1: Get out of the old culture.

Identifying there is a culture problem does not mean you are not part of it. Sometimes it is easier to see in others what we need to be seeing in ourselves.

That is why the first step is simply to get out of the old culture before you begin pointing out what is wrong in the old culture to others. If you genuinely believe you are in a dysfunctional culture, then the best thing you can do is move on so you can begin to heal in the right environment.

Step 2: Get in a new culture.

Breaking a bone requires a visit to the doctor’s office. It does not matter whether the incident was your fault or not. The same principle applies to making a culture shift. Detoxing from a dysfunctional culture includes slowing down for a season and changing your surroundings, at least temporarily.

Realizing you were headed in the wrong direction for you is not enough. You also need to discover the right path moving forward. A new environment does not only give you a place to heal but also time to download a new blueprint for life.

Step 3: Get the old culture out of you.

A change in scenery is helpful, but it is not everything. Although we may change environments, it also essential to allow God to transform the atmosphere of our hearts.

In the process of reclaiming spiritual health, your old behaviors may return despite your best intentions. We have to remove these old ways to make room for the new culture to take root. This shift is a process, not a switch. It is a wrestling match, not a quarter-mile drag race.

Step 4: Get the new culture in you.

Changing the atmosphere of our faith does not happen after reading a book or attending a conference. There is no course that, in and of itself, can take your soul from toxic to healthy. When it comes to culture, it is what is absorbed in a healthy environment, in-between teachings, and events that is most transformative.

Step 5: Thrive in the new culture.

Some tests are passed, not by your success and performance, but by your healing and transformation as a person. Your growth as a believer should not have a finish line. Instead, we should trust God with each step in our journey to draw closer to Him and become a better reflection of Him to those around us.

Trading exhausting religion for refreshing faith is not an easy process. It takes time to unlearn certain things while holding on to others that are beneficial. I hope these five steps help you on your way to discover a more authentic and enjoyable Christian experience.

Further Reading on this topic:

Doing less so that you can accomplish more

Have you ever seen someone is “doing too much” or being what we used to call a “try hard”? Maybe they are being inauthentic, trying to impress someone, or overcompensating for some reason. On the basketball court, he is the guy with all the new gear but can’t dribble or shoot. At a party, this may be the person who talks too loud and laughs at his own jokes but no one is really interested. In some ways, we can all be doing too much. It may not be annoying as the person I just described but doing too much can lead to us being less productive overall.

Normally our greatest strengths are also connected to our weaknesses. I have the gift and curse of doing too much. In fact, one of our family values is “hard work.” This is because it is not only a strength of mine but also of Amy. Our parents have a great work ethic and have passed that down to us. It is something we want to pass along to our kids as well. But is there such a thing as doing too much? Are you someone who sometimes has trouble accomplishing everything on your task list?

I didn’t realize how busy I was until the other day when I was on the phone with a friend I listed all the things I was involved in.

1. Training for a half marathon

2. Writing a book

3. Keeping up with a blog (Setting aside time for creative thinking, writing posts, editing posts, creating email marketing campaigns, scheduling social media posts, finding images to support the blog posts, etc.)

4. Working on numerous DIY projects that include finishing a deck, building a pergola, creating a stone pathway, adding a shelf desk in our kitchen, creating a hanging storage system in our garage, etc.

5. Onboarding new employees at ARC

6. For the first time, we were doing two ARC trainings in back to back months followed by the ARC conference

7. Preparing for the ARC conference

8. Reading 5 books at the same time (Leadership Book, Audio Book, Self-help book, funny book, small-group book, and not to mention my daily Bible reading and the book I was reading to Sophie each night)

9 Leading a small group and

10. Preparing a team of 25 for a mission trip to NYC. And I’ll stop here even though some of the most significant challenges we faced as a family are not even listed here.

I wonder what your list would look like?

Here is the thing about doing too much. This list of 10 things is actually not a list of accomplishments but of failures. I know that sounds harsh but I mean failure in three very specific ways.

How Accomplishments Can Become Failures

When we do too much…

...we don’t do anything to the best of our ability – While doing all of this I was constantly feeling like I was falling short in each specific area because my attention was constantly divided. I couldn’t do one thing without thinking about all the other things that needed to be done. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually which means I was never able to give my best.
…we fall prey to discouragement – When I would look at my to-do list over the past couple of months I would often get so discouraged that I would not feel like doing anything. If there were only a couple of items on the list I could have been energized to get them accomplished. In my case, the shadow from the mountain of tasks before me often darkened my day before it even began.
…we live by the tyranny of the urgent instead of by the priority of our values – A long list of activities and accomplishments may be impressive to some. My experience has taught me that doing a lot often means not doing what is most important. What is not on the list above is being a husband, dad, child of God, and being a witness of Jesus Christ. When we try to do too much we often end up sacrificing the things that are most important on the altar of accomplishment.

In the past couple of months I have not been blogging; which is one of my favorite things to do. This is because I have been doing too much which is an old habit of mine that is resurfacing. Learning lots of lessons from this and maybe it will give me content for future posts. For today I will wrap up with this thought: The key to doing more is actually doing less. We have to learn to edit the good things in order to be focused on the God things.

Thoughts for reflection:

What are your strengths and weaknesses? What weaknesses are connected to your strengths? How can you manage this?
What are your priorities in life? How can you arrange your to-do list to match your priorities and values as a person?
What good things need to be edited in your life in order to focus on the God things?