The Path to Healthy

How to move forward when you feel stuck in dysfunction

My youngest daughter hates wearing jackets. Getting her to put one on is always a struggle. On the other hand, she loves playing with dolls and tiny figurines. These two things collided recently when the sleeves of her coat got stuck around her hands that were each holding toy dolls. She couldn’t get the jacket off, which made her upset, and she also could no longer play with her toys, which made her even more upset.

Here’s the problem: she would not let me take the toys out of her hands so the jacket that was keeping her from playing with her toys could be removed. As long as she was not willing to let go of the toys, she could never really be free to play with them.

My daughter’s conundrum with her toys and jacket is how we can be in many areas. It is also an accurate way to describe codependent relationships and unhealthy environments. We feel stuck, but we can’t get out, because there are things we don’t want to be removed from our hands.

If we want to move forward on the path to healthy then there are things we have to let go of first. What are you holding on to that is keeping you in a relationship or position that you know is not the best for you? Usually, the thing we think we are going to lose by letting go is the very thing we are sacrificing by holding on.

Three Options

Letting go is scary. That is why so many people choose a different response. We shouldn’t be a turtle that hides-a-way in our shells and hopes the problem goes away. Avoiding an issue never solves it, and it almost never gets better on its own. Action must be taken, but it has to be the right action.

We also shouldn’t take on the role of crusader and cut down everyone in sight with the sword of truth. It is in this situation that we must be sensitive to building up the Kingdom and not tearing it down. While steps should be taken, they should be done through the lens of humility. This is the only way to guard our hearts and protect those we want to help without responding out of offense or hurt.

The third option is to be a responsible spiritual leader who puts your own health and that of your family (or future family), ahead of your pride, position, influence, and ambitions.

A Biblical Solution

Think about what David did when he left Saul. He didn’t raise an army and split the kingdom. David didn’t harass the king and the people with reports of his mistreatment. Instead, he moved on and allowed God to settle the matter in His own time. It was many years before David was elevated from the time he was mistreated. It took even longer than that if you consider his journey to becoming king from the time he was anointed. The wilderness seasons of his life that caused him to wrestle with God and his soul allowed him to become the great leader he was.

If you find yourself in an unhealthy situation, then the odds are you have become unhealthy in at least some small way yourself, and are probably unaware. That is why, instead of putting your hope in man, you must put your confidence in Christ. That may sound a little cliche, but let me help make this practical. Instead of pointing your finger at others, be willing to expose yourself – to the right influences. You should ultimately find your value in who you are in Christ and not a title or position.

Most of what I have had to say revolves around taking responsibility yourself, and allowing God to handle the dysfunction in others. This may not be what you hoped I would advise, but I promise you this is the best way to protect yourself, the people in your circle of influence, and leave the door open for reconciliation. I am convinced reconciliation is much more of a priority to God than we realize.

Reclaiming spiritual health after experiencing dysfunction in a church or ministry can be tough. With God’s help, and if we are willing to do some soul gardening of our own, then an enjoyable, meaningful Christian experience is possible.

This is my final post in this collection. You can read the entire group of blogs by selecting the “Soul Gardening” category.

How to Make Assumptions and Ruin Your Relationships

What to do if your ministry leaders are driving your crazy.

Have you ever adopted the philosophy, “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness then it is to ask for permission?”

When we become convinced we are not going to get the answer we are looking for, it can become easy to attempt to avoid the unavoidable. I did this over and over as a kid. If I didn’t want to risk, because I already knew what my parents were going to say, I would just venture out on my own without them. Of course, memorable consequences were always the result.

There have been times when I have brought this mindset into adulthood. Maybe you have as well. These situations seem to happen frequently when a transition is a possibility in a church role.

Avoiding the Unavoidable

We delay, until it is too late, or avoid, while the issue only grows because we assume we know how our leaders will respond. We try to be faithful to people who are secretly driving us crazy, and somehow believe this is what God would want us to do.

When we do this, we rob the other person of the opportunity to redeem the situation. We short circuit the possibility of reconciliation. When we have an issue with a friend or leader but are unwilling to address it, we become un-Christlike. Jesus addressed the problem with us head-on. He dove into our mess and created a masterpiece. Jesus is not an avoider, and neither should you be.

“Assumption is life’s lowest level of knowledge.”

— Edwin Louis Cole

It is best not to assume, but if you do, assume the best. You need to be willing to hear people out on issues that concern you, and not just think they are aware of what is making you so unhappy. Isn’t that what you would like others to do for you?

Judge and Jury

Have you become the judge, jury, and executioner for your leadership, or are you willing to hear them out? Have you argued your case in front of so many other people, that you are convinced your leadership is the enemy no matter what? Or have you brought the situation to God in prayer and can now bring up your issues with the right heart?

Bringing criticisms to others puts us so far out on a limb that we can’t come back even in the small chance (tongue in cheek here) that we may be wrong. On the other hand, bringing concerns to God in prayer prepares our hearts to bring up issues with humility and a heavenly perspective.

If you do feel like you are stuck in an unhealthy church situation, then you need to be willing to talk to someone in leadership about your specific concerns. To hear someone out, you must approach, even something that has genuinely upset you, with humility. If you walk into a room and say, “Why are you a terrible leader that is so committed to ruining the lives of others?” Then you are probably not genuinely giving that person a chance to be heard. If something specific is bothering you, then you need to be willing to bring it up to someone in leadership, or you do not need to bring it up at all.

Still, this does not solve every situation. That is why I want to talk about “the path to healthy” in my next post.

How to Spot Dysfunction

The Hard Reality of an Unhealthy Church Culture

By: Josh Roberie

Falling for Autumn

What season has your favorite weather? For me, it is Fall; hands down. Maybe if I had better abs, I would enjoy pool weather more. But as of now, I and my potbelly LOVE the feel and smell of cool crisp Autumn air.

The leaves are falling in Birmingham, and I could not be happier. My oldest daughter loves to collect these firey snowflakes. As she was showing me the best of her picks yesterday, I noticed each had dazzling color, as well as brown spots, and bits where bugs had chewed through their delicate wings.

If we are honest, it is the same with our hearts. Every soul has its bright spots as well as scars from disappointments, brown spots from being burned by a relationship, and even areas where life has eaten through our hopes. If this is true for each person, then it is also true for where people gather in deep relationships, like church.

The Real Danger

It can be hard to know what to do when the hard realities of an unhealthy church culture or ministry leader impact our lives. We can start, though, by being honest with ourselves, before we focus on what others can do better. There is a scripture in Psalms that has helped me get perspective on this:

“Its walls are patrolled day and night against invaders, but the real danger is wickedness within the city.”

Psalm 55:10

One of the keys to surviving a dysfunctional church culture or leader is not being able to identify what is unhealthy in someone else, but the ability to be honest with yourself.

Like Psalm 55:10 says, it can be easy to focus on problems outside of the city while ignoring the threat within the walls of our own hearts. In other words, it’s easy to point out what others are doing wrong instead of taking responsibility for what is wrong inside of us. Successfully navigating these turbulent waters of the souls takes a level of self-evaluation, many are not willing to accept.

A Difficult Question

I have had many conversations with church members and leaders who say their pastor or church culture is toxic or unhealthy in some way. If you are in a similar situation, then let me ask you a difficult question others and have asked me. It is a consideration that is essential for everyone in the process of reclaiming spiritual health after experiencing dysfunction.

Can you be honest about what attracted you to a place that is unhealthy? Are you able to come to terms with what is keeping you there even though you know it is not the best place for you? If you do not first identify what is going on in your heart, then even if you are in an environment you need to leave, you will find yourself in similar circumstances in the future.

That’s a tough one, but it is vital to moving forward in a healthy way. I can often tell how ready someone is to forgive and begin writing a new future for their story by how they are able to process this “honesty principle.”

Soul Medicine

Blaming others will never lead to growth in your life. While there may be people who are not doing the right thing, you always have a choice to take responsibility for yourself or blame others. Complaining and criticizing without adjusting on our end only covers up in pain and unhealth in ourselves. It doesn’t do anything to resolve the real issue. Unhealthy people blame others for their dissatisfaction in life. Healthy people take responsibility for the change they need.

If you have been hurt, you may not be able to tackle this issue right away. But doesn’t most medicine taste a little sour at first? To truly get healthy, we should be willing to take the medicine we may not like at first but will bring about the desired result in the end. We have to face the dysfunction in ourselves, so the unhealthy habits and perspectives we have developed in an unhealthy environment do not continue and impact ourselves and others down the road.

What do you think? I’d love to hear from you about this! Please leave a comment on Facebook, Instagram, or this post.

Further Reading on this topic:

Church Culture Shift

Changing the Atmosphere of Our Faith

*I have previously posted two blogs and making a church culture shift. They have been so popular that I decided to edit them down and combine them into one post. I hope this makes it easier for everyone to get the full story in one post. Thanks for reading!

Sweet or Salty

Do you have a sweet tooth, or are you more of a salty snack person? I’m definitely in the sweet tooth category. My love for sugar was something my college roommate couldn’t help but notice. One day, he opened the pantry and asked, “How can you eat all of this junk?” 

“What do you mean?” I replied with a spoonful of Blue Bell ice cream in my mouth.

“Everything in here is full of sugar. None of this stuff is healthy for you.”

I went to the pantry door and looked in. Zebra cakes, mini chocolate bars, bags of chips, and other highly processed sugary foods stared back at me.

A light went off for me at that moment. Believe it or not, I thought I was eating healthy. This may sound surprising, but it is because of the standard I was comparing myself to. My diet was much healthier than what was typically on our family menu at home. But compared to my friend’s family, which includes multiple diabetics, these sugar snacks were foreign objects.

This situation showed me something significant about perspectives. I had moved out of my family home, but that culture was still influencing my point of view. Was it possible this was happening in other areas of my life as well? Maybe, in more ways than one, I didn’t just need to get out of some of my old environments but also needed to get their influence out of me.

The Soil of Our Souls

It is the same with our religious perspectives and church cultures. Our church cultures are the atmospheres of our faith, the soil where our souls are planted. Leading in an unsustainable way, or being rooted in a sick culture, does not wear you out immediately. But over time, the burnout and high turnover reveal that a change needs to be made. 

Often, culture influences our decisions and behaviors without us being aware. This can make it challenging to find a healthy rhythm for our lives after experiencing dysfunction of some kind. How do we make a change when we realize we need to change the atmosphere of our faith?

Five Steps To A Healthy Church Experience

I want to suggest a five-step plan for those in need of a church culture detox. This should be helpful even if your environment is not bad, but you are just looking for a new way of doing church life.

Step 1: Get out of the old culture.

Identifying there is a culture problem does not mean you are not part of it. Sometimes it is easier to see in others what we need to be seeing in ourselves.

That is why the first step is simply to get out of the old culture before you begin pointing out what is wrong in the old culture to others. If you genuinely believe you are in a dysfunctional culture, then the best thing you can do is move on so you can begin to heal in the right environment.

Step 2: Get in a new culture.

Breaking a bone requires a visit to the doctor’s office. It does not matter whether the incident was your fault or not. The same principle applies to making a culture shift. Detoxing from a dysfunctional culture includes slowing down for a season and changing your surroundings, at least temporarily.

Realizing you were headed in the wrong direction for you is not enough. You also need to discover the right path moving forward. A new environment does not only give you a place to heal but also time to download a new blueprint for life.

Step 3: Get the old culture out of you.

A change in scenery is helpful, but it is not everything. Although we may change environments, it also essential to allow God to transform the atmosphere of our hearts.

In the process of reclaiming spiritual health, your old behaviors may return despite your best intentions. We have to remove these old ways to make room for the new culture to take root. This shift is a process, not a switch. It is a wrestling match, not a quarter-mile drag race.

Step 4: Get the new culture in you.

Changing the atmosphere of our faith does not happen after reading a book or attending a conference. There is no course that, in and of itself, can take your soul from toxic to healthy. When it comes to culture, it is what is absorbed in a healthy environment, in-between teachings, and events that is most transformative.

Step 5: Thrive in the new culture.

Some tests are passed, not by your success and performance, but by your healing and transformation as a person. Your growth as a believer should not have a finish line. Instead, we should trust God with each step in our journey to draw closer to Him and become a better reflection of Him to those around us.

Trading exhausting religion for refreshing faith is not an easy process. It takes time to unlearn certain things while holding on to others that are beneficial. I hope these five steps help you on your way to discover a more authentic and enjoyable Christian experience.

Further Reading on this topic:

Honor Is a Choice, Not a Response

How to Guard Your Heart in an Unhealthy Church Culture

Do you remember the first time you experienced a broken heart? Someone once told me if you are going to love, then you have to be willing to get hurt because it is impossible to love someone without them disappointing you at some point. While churches should not be a place of hurt, if you are going to serve in ministry and honestly give your heart to what you are doing, then at some point, the same advice applies. You are going to have the opportunity to guard your heart.

Three Kings

A great resource on this topic is the book A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards. I read it regularly. It is like a vitamin for my soul. It tells the story of David’s life, and how he chose to honor even when those he was serving and eventually leading were dishonoring him (aka trying to kill him). If David can write ballads honoring Saul at his death, then you and I can certainly find a way to honor the difficult people in our lives as well.

One of my favorite quotes from this book is, “When Saul is chasing you, he is actually chasing the Saul out of you” (my paraphrase). When you respond to Saul with dishonor, you are becoming like Saul yourself. Finding a path to honor, no matter how painful, will cause you to become a better leader; like David.

What David Sees

What I learned from this book changed the way I view the principle of honor. A David always finds the Saul in himself and the David in others. A Saul only sees the David in himself and the Saul in others. Taking this approach focuses on the faults in others. It refuses to accept any other role other than a mistreated David. There is another way.

We guard our hearts, not by getting even, or denying there is a problem, but by honoring as we move in a new direction.

We must not allow feeling like a victim to excuse hurting others. If we want to avoid becoming the villain in someone else’s story, then we must not accept the role of a victim in our own.

What Honor Says About You

Honor is a principle that guides your life no matter what environment you are in at the time. There is research that states, not only does what you say about others say more about you than them, but it is also linked to your emotional stability. When you choose to honor even when someone doesn’t seem to deserve it, you are showing that you are honorable and can be trusted. Not to mention a more kind-hearted person on a path to happiness instead of despair.

Honor shows humility. When you honor, you are saying there may be more to the story than you presently know. It demonstrates you are willing to give God room to work in someone else’s life even when it is inconvenient for you. Honor shows that your hope is in a perfect God, even when you are working with imperfect people.

What Honor Is Not

Honor doesn’t mean we are not honest. Some want to “be real” and ignore the biblical principle of honor. Others mistakenly believe that honor means ignoring problems when something is wrong. Neither of these is correct. We must be honest in an honoring way.

That is what we are going to talk about next; how to be honest when there is something genuinely wrong, and a change needs to be made.

This blog is part of an ongoing collection of blogs I am sharing on Soul Gardening. This post is part 2 of 5 on the steps you should take before making a culture shift. You can read part one here.

Pastors Are Human Too

What to do when your pastor lets you down

Stop me if you have heard this one before, but what should you do if you finally find a church with a perfect pastor filled with perfect people? The answer is simple; leave before you ruin it! There is no such place.

I love to see people thriving in healthy church environments. Unfortunately, every church and ministry staff has one fundamental problem: they all have people in them. The fact that we cannot have churches without people means we will all have to deal with some level of imperfection in our shared culture and leadership.

Great Expectations

Even in the best church staff environments, those you work for, with, and who work for you will have shortcomings. Expecting your boss or pastor to be perfect only reveals a lack of health in yourself. It is an unreasonable expectation.

So what do you do if you find out your leadership is imperfect, unhealthy in some way, or even dysfunctional? There are a lot of opinions on this, but I would say the first step is to remember they are only human. Pastors and leaders are limited by the same flesh and blood you have. They are on a journey and in a process just like you.

Those who have an unhealthy perspective of leaders expect them to be perfect while excusing the lack of imperfection in themselves. Our hope must be in God alone. No human was made to carry the burden of being perfect, so let’s not put something on our leaders that God doesn’t or we can carry ourselves.

Exposing Leaders

I used to pray flawed leaders would get exposed. Now those prayers are a little different. In humility, I now pray they will get exposed to the right things, people, and environments that will help them in their journey. I also ask God to expose the dysfunction in me so I can become a better reflection of him.

But Wait, There’s More

We shouldn’t stop there, though. We also need to consider the following five principles when we encounter dysfunction in our team, ministry, or leadership: 1. Pastors Are Human Too 2. Honor Is a Choice, Not a Response 3. Be Honest About Yourself 4. Hear Others Out, and 5. Find a Biblical Path to a Healthy Soul. This post is part one of five blogs I will be sharing on these principles in the coming weeks.

I hope you continue to join me on this journey of soul gardening. I’d also like to hear from you. Leave a comment on Facebook or Instagram letting me know your answers to the questions I asked in this article. Different opinions are welcomed and encouraged.

Further Reading on this topic:

Culture Shift Part 2

Five Steps To A Healthy Ministry Experience

What is it about the home or culture we develop in that produces both great and not so great things in our lives? Often, this takes place without us even being aware. It can be challenging to find a healthy rhythm for our lives after experiencing dysfunction of some kind. How do we make a change when we find ourselves with the need to embrace a new atmosphere of faith?

I want to suggest a five-step plan for those in need of a church culture shift. This should be helpful even if your former environment was not bad, but you are just looking for a new way of doing ministry. Each situation is unique and requires the wisdom and leading of the Holy Spirit. I offer these as guidelines, not the final say, to help you reclaim spiritual health after experiencing dysfunction.

Step 1: Get out of the old culture.

This one sounds simple enough, but it is possible to complicate it. Some try to change a church culture from the inside out. Unless the senior pastor has specifically asked you to be an agent of change, then I do not recommend that approach. You may think you are helping the pastor with weaknesses he or she is not aware of in their leadership. In reality, you are creating two visions or di-vision.

Do not become the person everyone comes to with their complaints. That doesn’t make you a leader, influential, or even right about your opinion. It just means everyone knows you will listen to negativity and criticism of leadership without supporting the pastor. Remember, the wolf wears sheep’s clothing, not the shepherd’s.

If you genuinely believe you are in a dysfunctional culture, then the best thing you can do is get out so you can plant your heart in healthy soil. Don’t try to change the soil; work on healing your heart instead.

Step 2: Get in a new culture.

Too many times, leaders think identifying dysfunction qualifies them to decide what is right or wrong for everyone else. Then they use their influence to take others with them out of their old culture. This is where most people get off track or stop their journey completely. Identifying there is a problem does not mean you are not part of it. In actuality, you can very much be a part of the problem, while at the same time, seeing the problem in someone else.

The next step after getting out is not to create your own culture, point out what is wrong in the old culture after you exit, or to convince others to leave with you. Instead, you should get in a healthy environment so you can download a new blueprint. This is the best way to help others. You cannot just point out the wrong direction. You also need to know what is the right direction.

Comparing yourself to a problem or an extreme in one direction never leads to moving in the correct direction. Whether dysfunction is your fault or not, after experiencing it, you need to detox before you can begin to trust your new perspective.

Step 3: Get the old culture out of you.

You may have heard the saying, “You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy.” Changing scenery is helpful, but it is not everything. Although we change environments, many of us do not allow the Holy Spirit to transform the atmosphere of our hearts.

Once you are in a new culture, you need to empty yourself of your old ways. You will find that even though you know how you want to lead and behave, some of your learned behaviors are ready to speak up louder than your good intentions. “Old habits die hard,” as they say.

We have to remove these old ways to make room for the new culture to take root. This shift is a process, not a switch. It is a wrestling match, not a quarter-mile drag race.

Step 4: Get the new culture in you.

Reprogramming your leadership and approaches to ministry does not happen after reading a book or attending a conference. There is no course that, in and of itself, can take your soul from toxic to healthy. We can create moments that impact people and bring healing. We can write material that points people in the right direction. But when it comes to culture, what is absorbed in a healthy environment, in-between teachings and events is what is most transformative.

Step 5: Lead in the new culture.

Leadership adds pressure, and pressure will bing the impurities of your perspective to the surface. Once you begin leading in your new culture, you will also realize what was useful in your old way of doing ministry doesn’t get the same results in your new approach. That means you will have to master the lessons learned in the process of getting the old atmosphere out and the new perspective in to lead well.

Leading effectively in your new culture affirms you have taken the necessary steps and avoided the short cuts to becoming a healthy leader. Now you are ready to become a culture creator yourself.

Short Cuts or Runaround?

When we try to fast track this process, we only extend it. Whether a toxic culture is your fault or not, you were still breathing the air of dysfunctional leadership. Taking a break and getting healthy is the most important thing you can do before trying to lead again.

It is like getting hit by a car and breaking your leg while crossing a street. Whether it is your fault or not, you will still need a cast and time to rehab. Then you will slowly begin to walk before you are running again. Don’t short-circuit your calling by taking a short cut to getting healthy. Take your time, walk in honor and humility, and before you know it, you will be back in the high life again better than ever.

You may be wondering if I think “getting out of the old culture” is the only option. The answer is, “No.” At the same time, if you are in a situation that is controlling, toxic, or the leadership is not open to anyone else’s opinion, then taking responsibility for yourself is always better than going on a public (or private) crusade to try and change someplace or someone else. In my next series of posts, we will talk about the steps you should take before making a culture shift. I hope you stick around as we continue the journey of soul gardening together.

* This post is part two of two on changing the making a culture shift to reclaim spiritual health. The first part covered why just knowing what you don’t want to be is not enough when a comes to changing our views on life and ministry. It also gives stories and illustrations to lay the foundation for the five steps you just read. You can read part one here.

The Soul Gardening Collection includes the following previous posts:

Confessing The Weeds in My Leadership
Reclaiming Spiritual Health After Experiencing Dysfunction

Further Reading on this topic: